Elizabeth’s “I Swear to Do Better” Jar for Season 3 (through Episode 13):

$16

S03 E12 - TOW All the Jealousy

S03 E12 - TOW All the Jealousy

aka TOW Jerky Boyfriends and Jerky Dancing

OAD: 01/16/97

Cocktails of Two Cities! Elizabeth’s Black-Eyed Crush and Heather’s Rum Runnerway  / Handbag Marinara: A FRIENDS Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Cocktails of Two Cities! Elizabeth’s Black-Eyed Crush and Heather’s Rum Runnerway / Handbag Marinara: A FRIENDS Podcast / @handbagmarinara

This week, Joey auditions for a musical version of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. So we were inspired to create Cocktails of Two Cities — cocktails inspired by our respective home towns/states.

Elizabeth combined two classic Maryland cocktails — the Black-Eyed Susan and the Orange Crush — and made a Black-Eyed Crush (because she wanted to give both Ross and Julio [aka Monica’s crush] black eyes this week, due to their poor behavior).

Heather put her spin on a Rum Runner and basically made a Florida version of a Long Island Iced Tea. The Rum Runnerway (so named because Rachel and Monica wanted to “runnerway” from their respective love interests this week) is not for the faint of heart!…

Go here for both recipes!

FOOD

Check out the Annie’s on the table! / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Check out the Annie’s on the table! / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

There really wasn’t any noteworthy food in this episode, except for the Annie’s snacks on the producers’ table at Joey’s initial audition.

We’re thinking they’re cheesy poofs. You know, the white cheddar kind? Because white cheddar is supposed to be more natural, we guess?

Yep. We definitely see some white cheddar cheesy poofiness along the side of the bag! Good detective work, everyone! Now we want cheesy poofs.

FASHION

THE GIRLS

Rachel starts things off in a towel dress, but thankfully she eventually finds actual clothes to wear for her first day at Bloomingdales. But apparently, NOT with Phoebe’s turtle purse! Monica wears a very comfy-looking winter sweater one day, and then a terrible rust-orange 90s-striped sweater the next. On Rachel’s third day, she dresses almost exactly the same as her coworker — which leads to a lot of trouble for Ross. She finishes out the episode with a Nubbin Alert in an ice-blue long-sleeved top.

THE GUYS (AND GUNTHER)

The guys aren’t wearing anything too noteworthy this week, aside from some choice neckties! Ross has a dinosaur tie — ROAR! Chandler has a polka-dot tie that complements his shirt well. Gunther wins the tie game with his bold, graphic ties — two of them!

FUN

ROSS IS A JERK

Too much, Ross. Too damn much. / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Too much, Ross. Too damn much. / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

What the hell, Ross? He’s a complete ass for the entirety of this episode, aside from a moment of clarity and self-awareness he has at the very end. Where do we begin? So Rachel’s starting her job at Bloomingdales, and Ross’s jealousy kicks off right away when she tells him that he can’t take her to lunch for her first day, because Mark already said he would.

Barbershop quartet / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Barbershop quartet / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

So this launches us into an entire episode’s worth of “Ross being an insecure jerk and going off the deep end.” He inundates her work with cards, chocolates, Bath and Body Works products, flowers, balloons (including a dinosaur balloon), and even a freakin’ barbershop quartet. She confronts him about it when she gets home:

Look at Mark’s face. He knows all he has to do is be patient and let this all play out… / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Look at Mark’s face. He knows all he has to do is be patient and let this all play out… / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

“I’m hurt!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

“I’m hurt!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt! That you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! HURT!

Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!

Ross: I mean my God...

Rachel: You're hurt!

Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymoooooore!

Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

Ross: I would never do that!

We wouldn’t put it past you, Ross.

Oops. / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Oops. / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

So then Chandler gives Ross the WORST ADVICE EVER: Mark is a genius, and is clearly undermining Ross and Rachel’s relationship, so Ross should go down to her office and make an appearance to stake his claim. (Since when do people listen to Chandler when it comes to relationship advice?) So Ross does.

Unfortunately, Rachel and her coworker (who is dating Mark) are wearing virtually identical outfits, so between that and Ross overhearing Mark say, “Come on! Just kiss me!” Ross angrily interrupts and embarrasses Rachel even more.

Framed photos and dinosaurs! She loves him! / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Framed photos and dinosaurs! She loves him! / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

The worst part is, if you look closely at Rachel’s desk, she’s got some framed photos of Ross and her — and a little dinosaur toy that we’re sure he gave to her. So she loves him. But he’s too caught up in his own shit to see it. THERAPY, ROSS. GO TO FUCKING THERAPY ALREADY.

They talk it over at Central Perk the next day, and Ross confesses — with an amazing amount of self-awareness — that he’s worried that what happened with him and Carol will happen with him and Rachel. That he’ll be in love and all of a sudden she will want to be with someone else. It’s actually kind of sweet, if you try to forget all of the asshole behavior he’s expressed up until this point.

Maybe these two kids have a chance!

JULIO IS A JERK

“You’re a poet and you don’t know it!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

“You’re a poet and you don’t know it!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Monica’s got a crush on Julio, a hunky Latino coworker at the diner. And if you’re curious about where you’ve seen Julio before, it’s in that other Matthew Perry project — 1997’s Fools Rush In. I-Love-Lucy tells Monica to go for it, or she will! So Monica notes the book of poetry on the counter, and Julio says it’s his. She blurts out “You’re a poet and you don’t know it!” and we see the cringe on her face that we’ve all experienced when we say something stupid in front of our crush!

“How would that go?” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

“How would that go?” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Julio takes the bait and comes onto Monica, eventually grabbing her lower lip and saying he could write an epic poem about her lip. “How would that go?” They kiss, and poof — Monica’s dating Julio!

She tells Phoebe that, in the middle of their making out during their date, he stopped to write a poem. Unfortunately, after Phoebe reads “The Empty Vase,” she realizes that Julio thinks Monica’s the empty vase! Monica is a total dunce about poems, though, and she buys Julio an empty vase as a gift. That’s when Phoebe breaks the news that Julio’s a jerk.

Poor Monica… / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Poor Monica… / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

In a delightful moment of self-defense, we see Monica lay into Julio:

Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Monica: You don't even know me...

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.

Monica: What?

Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this.

Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe...

Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now?

Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah.

Next we see Julio, he’s putting the moves on I-Love-Lucy. But not for long. Enter the barbershop quartet!

Man: (singing) Mr. Pretentious, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.

Quartet: You’re no God's gift to women, that's all in your heaaaaaad. You are just a buttmunch.

Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch.

Quartet: And you’re also bad in beeeeeeeeeed!

“No one likes a buttmunch!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

“No one likes a buttmunch!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

JOEY IS A JERKY DANCER

“You’ve got to pick a pocket or two!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

“You’ve got to pick a pocket or two!” / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Joey lands an audition for a musical version of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. He sings “Pick a Pocket or Two” from Oliver! (which is based on another Dickens novel, so good choice, Joey!), and lands himself a second audition. The only problem: He’ll have to dance.

Jazz hands! / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Jazz hands! / NBC Universal / Handbag Marinara: A Friends Podcast / @handbagmarinara

Which brings us to his resume. He lied a lot about his dance training on that sucker. The producer thinks that Joey’s a shoe-in, so at the second audition, when the producer is called away on an emergency, he quickly shows Joey the dance sequence and tells him to teach the other actors. Unfortunately, the only part Joey really caught was the jazz hands at the end.

The producer comes back, the actors show him Joey’s cabbage-patch-laden dance number and is shocked. Joey tries to play it off, claiming it was the best he could get out of them. So the producer turns to Joey and tells everyone to watch Joey do it again.

So of course, Joey runs away.

OTHER STUFF WE TALKED ABOUT

Cocktails of Two Cities

Cocktails of Two Cities