S03 E07 - TOW the Race Car Bed
aka TOW Monica Wears Orange Suede Boots and Joey Leaves His Nose Open
Monica’s mattress purchase turns into a karmic joke. She orders a pillow-top queen mattress, but instead, a children’s race-car bed is delivered. So we decided to put a spin on the classic sidecar cocktail!
We present, for your sipping pleasure: the Racecar. Vroom, vroom! Hey hey, good lookin’!
A sidecar is traditionally made of Cognac (a type of brandy), lemon juice, orange liqueur, and simple syrup. But given the apple-red race-car bed that Monica gets, we decided to use…
The gang starts off the show eating Chinese food and watching Happy Days. Those chopstick-fork-knife thingees are nowhere in sight! When Pheebs is staying at Monica’s to await her mattress delivery, she’s enjoying a salad with Italian dressing, and drinking a Perrier. There are artichokes in the fruit bowl. There are inexplicably huge bread slices in the bread basket at the restaurant where Ross and Rachel join Rachel’s dad for dinner. Playing nice the next day, Rachel’s provided a full brunch spread, complete with curly green parsley as a garnish!
THE GIRLS (AND JANICE)
Monica’s gone out on a limb with her look this week. She wears her hair in a funky-chunky updo with a big brown headband keeping it all in place. The rest of her is brown — her shirt, her skirt, her lipstick, and her fingernails — but then she gives us a POP of color with her fabulous orange suede boots!
Janice pairs a multi-colored vest with bright purple pants and a dark red top. Rachel dons a vintage-style black-and-white apron. While mattress-sitting for Monica, Phoebe wears a purple velvet shirt-dress — perfect for FREAKING OUT in later in the episode.
At dinner with her dad, Rachel wears a conservative-yet-sexy white number, right down to her white peacoat. When Monica discovers her new race car bed, she has her own headlights going on thanks to the nubbin alert she’s rocking in a bright green button-down. Finally, when making nice with her dad over brunch, Rachel goes full-on conservative and covers herself more than we’ve ever seen before in a blue turtleneck and long black slacks.
GUNTHER AND A JESTER
Well, the guys don’t really wear anything of note in this episode. But if you look at the more minor characters, it all “ties” together! Gunther wears a necktie that features the original emojis — happy faces! And silly faces, and cunning faces, and angry faces… And over at the Mattress King-dom, one of the jesters is wearing a tic-tac-toe tie. Under any other circumstances, we’d call this a tic-tac-don’t, but it works well in this environment.
MONICA EXPERIENCES SOME CAR-MA
Janice’s husband is using their divorce to sell mattresses. Monica, however, is ready to take advantage of the sale and buy herself a new pillow-top queen set! She goes to the Mattress King showroom and picks out her new bed. Phoebe isn’t quite on board with the whole “going behind Chandler’s back” thing, but when she lays down on the bed, she says:
“Take this bed. You can make other friends.”
On delivery day, we’re guessing Monica has to work, because Phoebe is at the apartment waiting for the delivery guys. Joey comes in and tells her about the role he’s up for: Nick the Boxer. The mattress delivery guy comes in, (reluctantly) announcing, “Here ye, here ye, delivery from the Mattress King.” Phoebe signs for it (as Monica), then play-fights with Joey but he leaves his nose open so she has to help him stop the bleeding. They don’t see the delivery guys coming in with the red race-car bed!
Phoebe does her freaking-out dance for Ross and Rachel, then tries to play off the error when Monica discovers the bed. Then Chandler comes in, and questions why, if this has always been Monica’s bed, there’s still plastic on the mattress. Monica doesn’t miss a beat, saying:
“Because sometimes I have bad dreams.”
She tries to take the mattress back, but the Mattress King’s jester tells her she can’t — she signed for it. “Monica Falula Geller.” Joey pushes past him and witnesses this episode’s cliffhanger: Janice kissing her ex-husband!
ROSS EXPERIENCES SOME CARB-MA
Rachel informs Ross that they’re having dinner with her dad. Ross tries to bow out, claiming he already has plans to “fall off the Empire State Building and land on a bicycle with no seat.” Apparently, they really don’t get along. But he agrees to do it for her (and so he can see her in that sexy black thing he likes).
At dinner, surrounded by inexplicably large slices of bread and inexplicably long breadsticks, he tries to make conversation with Dr. Green, but it doesn’t go well. When they’re getting ready to leave, Ross notices that Dr. Green’s only left a 4% tip. It bothers Ross so much that, when Dr. Green isn’t looking, Ross slips a $20 bill under the check. Dr. Green discovers it, calls out Ross, and rips up the receipt — making Ross pay for the whole meal.
Rachel later explains to Ross that she’s going to invite her dad to brunch the next day to make nice, and ROSS needs to be the bigger person:
“I already have a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don’t wanna have to have a separate room for you too!!”
He hugs her and agrees to bring the bagels.
At brunch, Dr. Green starts off acting like a real asshole (or zippershit, as we described in the podcast). Ross is about to leave when Dr. Green asks him about the crick in his neck. Rachel explains that she’s been trying to get Ross to see her chiropractor. Dr. Green makes fun of the chiro, and he and Ross bond over that, and the fact that Rachel doesn’t have renter’s insurance. All tied up in a pretty bow, in 30 minutes or less!
JOEY EXPERIENCES SOME HARM-MA
Joey announces that he’s going to be teaching Acting for Soap Operas down at the learning extension. After getting off to a rather crooked start (we talk about how FUN chalkboards were on the podcast), Joey starts giving out tips to the budding actors. He also informs them:
“Before I forget … to work in soap operas, some of you are gonna have to become much more attractive.”
Then he tells them about how to make certain reactive facial expressions:
“Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let’s say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the basic ‘I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it’ (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let’s say I’ve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that’s how it’s done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.”
One of his students tells him that he’s up for a role on All My Children — Nick the Boxer. It’s the same role Joey’s up for, so he — very unethically — tells the student to play the part gay. Super-gay, in fact.
Lo and behold, the producers of All My Children liked the gay thing, and gave the student a two-year contract opposite Susan Lucci.
How’s that for karma, Joey? Now go ice your nose.
OTHER STUFF WE TALKED ABOUT ON THE SHOW
Remy Martin has a Cognac/orange liqueur blend now!
Southwest needs to sponsor Elizabeth’s ping-ponging along the East coast.
Janice is still our favorite character.
Elizabeth is starting an “I Swear to Do Better” jar — she’ll put a dollar in it every time she drops the f-bomb on the show, and donate the proceeds to The Ellen Fund at the end of the season.
Memories of blackboards and chalk dust.
The kitchen window — why would there be clothes drying out there?