Elizabeth’s “I Swear to Do Better” Jar for Season 3 (through Episode 13):

$16

S03 E03 - TOW the Jam

S03 E03 - TOW the Jam

aka TOW a Stalker and a Baby Plan

OAD: 10/03/96

SIGNATURE BEVERAGE: BOURBON JAMBLE

Bourbon Jamble — our take on the bourbon bramble! / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Bourbon Jamble — our take on the bourbon bramble! / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

We decided to put our own spin on the traditional bourbon bramble, which is typically made with bourbon, lemon juice, simple syrup, and blackcurrant liqueur.

How did we make it extra jammy?

We substituted blackcurrant jam for the simple syrup!

Does this cocktail sound like your jam? Read on here!

FOOD

Fruit. There is fruit ALL OVER this episode. Monica goes down to the docks and gets crateloads of it. Why? To get over Richard, naturally. We’ve got to give some mad Props Props for all of the fruit, jam, jars, and other accoutrements required to pull this off authentically.

In addition, Joey enjoys his jam with a few items: a (very dry and crumbly) scone, graham crackers, and … a spoon!

FASHION

RACHEL

Rachel’s fashion is hit or miss in this one. She dons a very 90s look at the beginning — a spaghetti-strap blue dress with white sneakers. We’ve never liked this look very much — it makes your boobs look droopy! Next up, she’s in a fake-vintage graphic tee that says “Dairy Queen” on it. She finishes out the episode in a great look — a map dress! Those white sneakers make another appearance, too.

MONICA

What? Monica’s wearing … BLUE? That’s right, folks. And she looks AMAZING — BOTH times she wears blue in this episode! The first blue is a bright blue pinstriped pant — the pants look great, but there’s an inexplicable gap in her button-down shirt. She finishes the episode in a baby-blue cardigan that echoes the sentimental feel of the scene where she realizes that the Baby Plan might not be the right path for her.

PHOEBE

Phoebe starts off not so great, but finishes out the episode in one of Heather’s favorite Pheebs looks! At the beginning of the episode, she’s wearing a brown skirt, orange flowered shirt, and clunky orange loafers. Meh. At the end of the episode, though, she’s wearing her purple pleather jacket, a purple watercolor-inspired button-down shirt, a tiny purple skirt, and clunky purple shoes! Her spiky updo finishes off the look perfectly. So funky Pheebs!

JANICE

Janice’s wardrobe gets a special nod this week. She sleeps in black satin pajamas with cheetah-print cuffs and buttons (so cute!), and comes up again post-hug-and-roll wearing a brightly colored graphic circle shirt and blue-lavender pants. SO Janice!

FUN

The Jam-and-Baby

Monica’s making jam! / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Monica’s making jam! / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Monica has come up with a plan to get over her man (namely, Richard).

“And what’s the opposite of man? JAM!”

She heads down to the docks and gets herself a veritable boatload of fruit: strawberries, kiwis, peaches, raspberries … her kitchen is JAM-packed! That plan keeps her occupied for a while, and Joey couldn’t be happier — he loves jam! At one point, he reminisces about his mom dropping him off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon.

Poor Monica is sad that the Baby Plan didn’t work out the way she wanted. / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Poor Monica is sad that the Baby Plan didn’t work out the way she wanted. / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Soon enough, Monica switches up her plan — she realizes she’d have to charge $17 a jar to break even, and besides, she figured out what she really wants: a baby. She decides to go to a sperm bank and get a couple of some guy’s best swimmers!

She narrows down the possible baby daddies — and (thankfully) eliminates Joey as a contender — deciding on a guy with dark hair and green eyes. Joey mentions that he always pictured her with a blonde guy (named Hoyt), and the two of them daydream about Hoyt, their three kids, and a swimming pool. Monica breaks down as she realizes that this isn’t actually the way that she wants to become a mother. Her distractions have fallen through, and once again she’s faced with the grief of breaking up with the love of her life.

The Stalk-and-Date

David Arquette is stalking Phoebe! / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

David Arquette is stalking Phoebe! / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Look out, Phoebe! David Arquette is following you! Well, it’s not really David Arquette (except it is, because he’s guest starring), it’s Malcolm, the otherwise normal guy who usually sells beepers and cellular phones, but started stalking Ursula after she dumped him. Oops! Simple mix-up, Malcolm! Twin sisters!

While Phoebe should’ve left it at that and gotten the hell out of there, she fell for Malcolm’s low-self-esteem-loser vibe and decided to help him get over stalking Ursula. Unfortunately, she starts dating him, too. Despite Joey spraying, not saying that she’s crazy for doing that, she thinks Malcolm’s changed his ways.

Joey sprays it instead of saying it. / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

Joey sprays it instead of saying it. / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

But when the gang convinces her to “stop and smell the restraining order,” she decides to do a little stalking of her own. She follows Malcolm to the subway, where Ursula just happens to walk by a short time later. He confesses that he couldn’t stop, and then Phoebe is stupid once again and says he can stalk her for a while, like an “Ursula patch.”

Pheebs, we love you, but this is really dumb.

The Hug-and-Roll

“Hug for her … roll for you!” / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

“Hug for her … roll for you!” / Handbag Marinara / @handbagmarinara

After Chandler chats with Ross and Rachel about accidentally calling Janice fat, he mentions that he doesn’t know how to get her to stay on her side of the bed while they’re sleeping. After Rachel leaves for work, Ross teaches Chandler his “hug and roll” trick.

“Hug for her … roll for you!”

Chandler tries it out that night, but unfortunately, he ends up rolling Janice off the bed. The next day at Central Perk, Rachel notices Janice’s wrist brace, and Janice mentions that Chandler was doing Ross’s hug-and-roll thing. Oopsies.

Ross comes over later and whaps Chandler over the head with a TIME magazine, and rightfully so. GIRLS TALK!

Flingin' Flangin' Milkshake

Flingin' Flangin' Milkshake

Bourbon Jamble

Bourbon Jamble