Elizabeth’s “I Swear to Do Better” Jar for Season 3 (through Episode 16):

$21

S02 E13 - TO After the Super Bowl, Part 2

S02 E13 - TO After the Super Bowl, Part 2

aka TOW Julia Roberts and Jean-Claude Van Damme

OAD: 01/28/96

SIGNATURE BEVERAGE: HANDBAG MARINARA (OR JUST CHAMPAGNE)

It’s Part 2, so we went for Round 2 of our very interesting tomato-based champagne cocktail.

Well, Heather did.

Elizabeth felt it was a one-and-done situation so she stuck to straight champagne for this session.

FOOD

Again, there’s not much food in this episode. Maybe it’s hard to have food-centric plot lines and super-famous guest stars in the same episode? Perhaps it causes a rift in the space-time continuum?

FASHION

RACHEL

After her date with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rachel regales the gang with the story at Central Perk while wearing a very interesting sweater. The text written across it seems to repeat: “Experience the Three of Hearts sequel, coming soon to a theatre near you.” We were incredibly confused about this but found a 1993 romantic comedy called Three of Hearts — we can’t figure out why it would be referenced on a sweater, though, or why the quote referenced a sequel that we don’t think happened.

Her second notable outfit of the episode was much less confusing: a white baby tee with a crown graphic on it.

MONICA

Monica’s fuzzy gray argyle cardigan looks super-comfy!

JOEY

Obviously, Joey’s ready for his date with the set girl since he has what is apparently his only dress jacket on again.

FUN

“THIS … IS FOR THE FOURTH GRADE”

We’re on the Outbreak set, and Julia Roberts — okay, we guess we can’t do our cute “call them by the actor’s name instead of the character’s name” thing because this is a movie set and Julia Roberts is definitely liable to be on a movie set, so we’ll call her Suzie (played by Julia Roberts).

So anyway, Suzie comes over to Chandler and re-introduces herself. Turns out they went to elementary school together. She reminds him that he pulled up her dress in front of the whole school in the fourth grade and used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. She also complimented him on how we'll he’s done for himself:

“Nice to see you no longer wear that jean hat with the little mirrors all over it.”

“I graduated the 4th grade and realized I was not a pimp…”

The two of them talk for a while, but soon enough she’s got to get back to work.

“How many times will I have to touch you on your arm before you ask me out?”

So Chandler asks her out, and she says:

“Who knows, if things go well, maybe I’ll have a chance to see your underpants”

And Chandler can’t believe that no one was around to hear her say that to him. Maybe it’s karma for all of your sexual predator-ness, Chandler!

By the way, we think it’s worth mentioning that Julia Roberts and Matthew Perry dated in real life around this time.

So apparently things go well on their first date, so they make another one. They’re making out on Chandler’s couch before their reservation, and Suzie suggests something kinky — even kinkier than she’s been up until this point. How about he wears her panties to dinner? What will she be wearing, you ask? We’ll leave that to your imagination. His response?

“You’re swell.”

At the restaurant, Suzie can’t keep her hands off of Chandler. Finally, she whispers to him to meet her in the bathroom.

“I’m going to the BATHROOM now!”

They enter the middle stall (but there’s minimal support for … canoodling!) and Suzie takes off her shoes and is BAREFOOT IN THE MEN’S ROOM and she tells him to strip down to just the panties. He does, and while he’s turned around showing off his Buns of Steel, she grabs his clothes and exits the stall. When he figures out what she’s done, she reveals her true intentions:

“This … is for the fourth grade.”

Turns out she’s been playing him this whole time, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to exact her revenge. When he can’t believe that she’s still upset about what he did to her all those years ago, she says:

“Why don’t you call me in 20 years and tell me if you’re still upset about this.”

By the way, he was supposed to call her on January 28, 2016.

So he’s stuck in the bathroom stall, and eventually Joey comes in to pee. He sees Chandler, seizes the opportunity to mock him, then Ross joins in and does the same when he comes to the bathroom. Apparently neither of them thought it was rude to leave Joey’s date by herself at the table?

“Hi ,tushie!”

Karma’s a bitch, Chandler Bing.

“I THINK HER FRIEND IS CUTE”

Here’s a case where the guest star is actually playing himself. We’ve got Jean-Claude Van Damme, ladies and gentlemen! He’s the star of the Outbreak sequel that Marcel’s in. Monica sees him coming and fangirls out:

“The muscles from Brussels?? Wham Bam VanDamme?!”

Rachel doesn’t see what the big deal is, so she just walks right up to him and tells him that Monica thinks he’s cute.

“You can tell her, I think, that her friend is cute.”

Ruh-roh … Jean-Claude likes Rachel! She comes back and tells Monica what a jerk he was, flirting with her and asking her out while she was trying to tell him that Monica liked him.

“He kept asking, and asking, and asking…”

Monica says it’s cool if Rachel goes out with him, even though it’s totally not, and Rachel very quickly accepts and tells Jean-Claude she’ll see him later. Monica is pissed.

“Jean-Claude, she said okay!”

“Jean-Claude, she said okay!”

They go on their date, Rachel tells everyone about how they met Drew Barrymore, Monica is still seething, and eventually it turns into an all-out brawl. Flicking Fight, Slap Fest, Wrestling, Monica beating Rachel with her own sock… it gets ugly. Phoebe intervenes and grabs the girls by their ears.

“You know what? If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.”

Rachel says she’ll tell Jean-Claude that he’s going to to go out with Monica now. Poor Monica thinks she actually has a chance with him, but it turns out that he only accepted the date because Rachel told him that Monica wanted to have a threesome with him and Drew Barrymore.

“Drew has some ground rules.”

We cut back to the apartment, where the earlier fight picks up again. And then, we have what is probably the most important line in all of FRIENDS-dom, as far as this podcast is concerned:

“You give me back my sweater, or it’s Handbag Marinara!”

Monica does not stop, and by the end of the episode, both a handbag and a third-date sweater are toast. Luckily, thanks to Phoebe, a friendship is salvaged.

LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT

Oh yeah. We didn’t really talk about it, but Ross hangs out with Marcel for a little bit. :)

MONICA’S CORNER

Ross is eating ice cream — this is a running Monica’s Corner item, given that he memorably says in Season 7’s Thanksgiving episode, TOW Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs, that “It’s too cold!” Also, who would be selling ice cream cones on the street in NYC in January?

NOT ON NETFLIX

  • Goodbye scene with Jean-Claude Van Damme — He tells them that it’s too bad things didn’t work out and that “Drew was very disappointed.” And then the girls try to outdo each other’s kisses goodbye kisses to Jean-Claude, so he suggests a threesome. They very quickly turn him down, despite his proclamation that “I can crush a walnut with my butt.” “Maybe if I were baking,” Monica says with a smile.

Blingy Best Budtini

Blingy Best Budtini

S02 E12 - TO After the Super Bowl, Part 1

S02 E12 - TO After the Super Bowl, Part 1