Elizabeth’s “I Swear to Do Better” Jar for Season 3 (through Episode 13):

$16

S02 E02 - TOW the Breast Milk

S02 E02 - TOW the Breast Milk

aka TOW the Breast Puns Ever

OAD: 09/28/95

SIGNATURE BEVERAGES: THE BREAST MARTINI / THE FROZEN CANTALOUPE RACK-QUIRI

We had way too much fun coming up with these cocktails, although we did get off to a rather … milky start (eeshk, it’s icky just writing that). We knew we wanted a cantaloupe-based cocktail, given Susan’s comparison of breast milk to cantaloupe juice. We found a recipe for a cantaloupe martini, and to make it our own (and to match it better with the episode’s theme), we decided to add something white/creamy to add a (gulp) milky quality.

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Heather kept hers as a martini, and had to make a few adjustments because she found herself surprisingly missing one or two key ingredients from the original recipe. She ended up keeping it super simple: a combination of fresh cantaloupe, Godiva White Chocolate, and a special orange liqueur from Florida.

THE BREASt MARTINI

1 cup fresh cantaloupe, cubed

1 ounce Godiva White Chocolate

2 ounces orange liqueur

Blend ingredients and serve.

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Elizabeth switched things up since she only had frozen cantaloupe on hand. She decided to make a frozen cantaloupe daiquiri using rum, cointreau, and some of the toasted coconut liqueur she loves so much to give it a tropical flavor.

frozen cantaloupe rack-quiri

1 - 1 1/2 cups frozen cantaloupe, cubed

1 ounce white rum

1/2 ounce orange liqueur

1 ounce toasted coconut liqueur

Blend ingredients and enjoy.

FOOD

  • Breaking news: We have a different bowl of fruit on top of the fridge. That is all.

  • We noticed some very NYC coffee blends on the sign in the background at Central Perk: Empire Roast and Ms. Liberty Blend. Nice job, set designers! If you look closely, you can also se Phoebe’s name on the chalkboard outside the coffee shop.

  • Rachel refers to breast milk as “juice squeezed from a person.” Well, technically it is, right?

  • Ross references pictures of missing children on milk cartons. This was a popular practice starting in the 1980s, when Etan Patz became the first missing child whose face was printed on milk cartons. In the days before Facebook and “America’s Most Wanted,” this was an effective way of getting the word out about missing kids. The practice even served as the basis for a young adult novel and eventual TV movie starring Kellie Martin.

  • Ross chases his first taste of breast milk with Oreos. Thank goodness for Oreos!

FASHION

Rachel’s even more of a “tease” this week, Monica ruins a great outfit with a terrible sweater, Phoebe’s raided her grandma’s closet again, and Carol is wearing something purely inexplicable.

“Was that too much pressure for him?”

Baby Ben is a brand-name fancy pants, sporting baby Nike shoes and a GUESS baseball onesie! Susan also gets him a “My Mommies Love Me” shirt.

RACHEL

Rachel vacillates between sex kitten and cutie pie in this episode. She dons yet another “Tease” mechanic’s shirt (did the wardrobe department buy those in bulk along with Joey’s squirtlenecks?) in one scene, then wears some Big Star overalls in the next. She’s also got a couple of Nubbin Alerts — first in a white v-neck that reminds us of jammies, and then when she’s wearing a purple button down at Central Perk. (And Julie joins in on the Nubbin Alert with her!)

MONICA

Monica is a hottie in nottie’s clothing in this one! She’s got on this super-cute black crop top and black leggings, and the top has fun criss-crossy white trim and straps.

But she pairs it with this terrible, oversized, beige Grandma sweater, and we just … don’t get it. Maybe she knit it herself and is determined to wear it because of all the hard work she put into it?

Or maybe she just wanted to be cozy — after all, there were nubbins abounding. It must’ve been cold on the set that day!

PHOEBE

Phoebe’s first outfit is a juxtaposition of delicate femininity and hippie construction worker. She pairs a cream-colored flowered dress with work boots. Very 90s! Her second outfit appears to be from Grandma’s closet once again — it’s a red velour-ish top with black roses printed on it. Doesn’t quite work for us.

JOEY

When he’s hocking Bijan for men, Joey looks like a teenager attending his prom — as we said on the show, the tux is wearing him — he isn’t wearing the tux.

Once he’s transferred over to the Hombre department, he’s in a humiliatingly tacky white cowboy costume. Poor Joey!

JULie/CAROL

Julie’s wardrobe matches her character: nice, okay, but not anything to write home about. Her ultra-pale lavender sleeveless button down is lovely, and her hair seems to have recovered from Phoebe’s sheers. At the end of the episode, she’s wearing a white scoop-neck top with a floral wrap skirt. Very feminine and pretty.

Now… what the hell is Carol wearing?!?! Is it a flask with butterbeer and pearls in it? Is there a dragon? But wait … is that a spider on the sleeve? We can’t figure it out.

FUN

Ross’s Breastistential Crisis

“This is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.”

“Yeah, we know, but there’s a baby sucking on it!”

Ross starts off on the right foot, trying to calm Joey and Chandler down when they freak out about Carol breastfeeding. But he quickly dissolves into a panicky, grossed-out dad when everyone else except him seems to be okay with tasting breast milk.

“I just don’t think breast milk is for adults”

“Of course the packaging does appeal to grownups and kids as well.”

When he finds out that Susan’s tasted it, however, his competitive (and dare we say, toxically asshole-ish?) nature comes out and he eventually gets up the courage to try the breast milk by chasing it was a mouthful of Oreos.

RACHEL STILL HATES JULIE

Rachel’s still struggling to accept Julie into the group (we talked about it on the show, and can’t really think of anyone who’s successfully joined the six-some). She calls Julie a bitch after Julie helps her fix her apron, for crying out loud.

Then, Julie asks if anyone wants to help her abuse her friend’s Bloomingdale’s discount, and Monica volunteers to hang out. Eeshk! What is she thinking??

“It’s like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.”

When Rachel finds out, we get another hilarious round of “friendships as dating” (last seen when Monica dated Alan):

“One thing led to another, and before I knew it …. we were … shopping.”

“We only did it once, it didn’t mean anything to me. Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time.”

“I’m sorry, I never meant for you to find out.”

They eventually make up, when Rachel confides in Monica that the reason she’s so upset is because she feels like Julie’s stealing Monica from her. They hug, and Phoebe makes sure to get in on the action.

JOEY IS A COWBOY

Joey goes head-to-head with a rival cologne-sprayer at his job. The “Hombre Man” is not only taking all of Joey’s customers, he’s taking his girl (played by Emily Proctor)!

We looked into the actor who plays Hombre Man, Joel Beeson, and it turns out that he tragically passed away in 2017, at age 51. Adios, Hombre! Thanks for the laughs!

One particularly memorable scene is the guy’s apartment-cum-saloon scene. Chandler acts as the supportive bartender, doling out shots of apple juice and swinging a dish rag over his shoulder. The lights are even dimmed to mimic a seedy saloon setting. Saloon - where did this word come from?

“Say you do that, someday someone is going to come along and slice a better cheddar.”

“Stand your ground, show him you are the baddest Hombre west of the lingerie.”

“Now go see Miss Kitty and she’ll fix you up with a nice hooker.”

The only issue we have is when Chandler dries the juice glass without washing it. Eeshk! Them’s fightin’ words! And did anyone else find it odd that Joey walks into the department-store sunset with Annabelle approximately five minutes after the store opened?

S02 E03 - TOW Heckles Dies

S02 E03 - TOW Heckles Dies

S02 E01 - TOW Ross's New Girlfriend

S02 E01 - TOW Ross's New Girlfriend